Witty vegan comebacks / one-liners

[seviya]

Hallo all! I'm very excited to have just joined the forum!

After a big-time ephiphany (aided by Fast Food Nation), I've been a happy vegan for (all of) six months. I'm not preachy, but at family get-togethers and at school (I'm a law student), the fact that I don't eat meat, dairy, or eggs sometimes comes up. Now, I don't give a flying patootie about what other people think about me, or about my choices - but sometimes (and you all know what I mean) I want to totally slap someone silly with my response. The old "raising and slaughterhouse conditions, animals are our friends, health concerns, and general ickiness" just sometimes doesn't fly!! I know these are good reasons, but to someone who isn't vegan, such reasons rarely make any sense! Plus they usually raise the "vegan preacher" defenses, and the people refuse to listen to a word.

So here's my question: do any of you have any fantastic, witty comebacks for the annoying dork who sometimes sneers, "You don't eat meat?" or the equivalent, "What are you, some kind of freak?"

Happily, these situations only come across once in a blue moon, but boy would I love to be able to snap back when they do! Childish, I know, but we've all been there! So best wishes to all, and thank you for your thoughts!!!

seviya

[mophoto]

while most can appreciate my decision, i have lost a ton of weight and am back to my happy yet cynical self, i still get the question of calcium, protein, iron blah .... when people actually care, i give them a definition of what i eat (greens are so high in calcium) but usually i ask them if they know what their intake of calcium, protein, and iron is. that usually shuts them up. if it doesn't i go into the junk they eat that i don't, fast food is so easy to rip apart.

[mophoto]

that wasn't witty at all
let's here some

[Seaside]

I remember when a troll came here and asked for money to stop him from eating meat, and I told him on the contrary, I would hate to see the colostomy bag industry go bankrupt on account of lack of colon cancer patients, so keep on eating! He was a nasty troll though, and the whole thread got deleted.

[Seaside]

I can't remember the thread its on, but to those who claim that plants feel pain, I told someone to say "Let's make a deal. If you promise to watch a video of what goes on in a slaughterhouse, I'll watch a video of a strawberry harvest." I remember a few folks liking that one.

[treehugga]

I like those Seaside.

I'm not very good at witty comebacks, I usually just say if you don't want me to lecture you on eating meat don't lecture me.

I wish I could think of soemthing funny to say.

[Klutz]

I still love this answer I got off this forum or another (can't remember for sure):

Idiot: So, then what DO you eat?!
Me: Anything that doesn't take a dump.

I LOVE that one about the strawberry harvest! I'm going to have to remember that one!

[veganbikerboy]

I was at a works Christmas meal, when a guy at the other end of the table shouted over the top of everybody "are u sure you don't want some of my juicy steak rather than those veges"

silence

i replied "i hope you enjoy the heart disease that comes as a compulsory desert"

I then raised a toast to the guy's heart disease

fortunatley, everybody laughed with me at him

[ducksgomoo2]

This one's not very witty, but I've used it a couple of times.

Mr. Annoying: Why don't you eat meat?
Me: Probably the same reasons you don't eat human.

Caution! This usually leads to the infamous "but animals don't have feelings" or the "but animals are raised for food" comment

[pat sommer]

.... if you are healthy/young and a braggart: I don't eat meat 'cause I prefer a violent death; (choose one) I will be shot by a jealous husband at 80/ I am so healthy they will have to beat me to death with sticks/ I will drown racing my grandkids across the lake

the rest of my comebacks would probably get censored. I have a domain name sandmonkey.info where (if and when) I will list and pliagerise all good responses!

[absentmindedfan]

How about 'get outta my sight you ignorant dickweed before I jam my fist in your eye'
Always works for me

[tabitha]

How about 'get outta my sight you ignorant dickweed before I jam my fist in your eye'
Always works for me

I like it....subtle and eloquent

[feral]

o love those pat sommer!

I told my friend if anyone asked me why I was vegan with that narky tone to their voice I would simply fix them with the hard stare and reply "because I like to feel superior".. mind you it has to be done with the hard 'I'm not 100% pacifist' stare.

[DancingWillow]

Seaside, I really like the strawberry harvest comeback

I remember someone on this forum sharing this one: they asked if the food had dairy in it, and the waiter/waitress said, "Are you lactose intolerant?" and the VF member said, "No, I'm cruelty intolerant!" I love that one

[sugarmouse]

love them all! i havent ever lost an argument.or had one come to think of that.only idiots tend to argue.
meat ad dairy eating is just lunacy to me.and i can rip ppl to bits abotu it easily .cos i know it is right.

i

[seviya]

These are absolutely wonderful!!!!! I can't wait to use them!! heehee I especially love the one about not eating things that take poos and also the one about not eating humans. People can be so unbelievably blind!!!!!! But we already know that.

Please keep them coming, I love this!!!!!!

[Klutz]

Got this one from someone when I told him the strawberry harvest one.

Idiot: Don't you think that plants have feelings, too...that they feel pain?
Someone: Are you asking me because you deeply care about plants or because you want to make me wrong to justify eating your meat?

[treehugga]

I like that. I will memorise it every day cuase unfortunatly I know I'll get a chance to use it.

This thread is really helpful, I feel so disempowered by others negativity sometimes. It's nice to have a comeback.

[laurin]

Got this one from my boyfriend when I told him the strawberry harvest one.

Idiot: Don't you think that plants have feelings, too...that they feel pain?
Mr. Wonderful: Are you asking me because you deeply care about plants or because you want to make me wrong to justify eating your meat?

I get asked that alot too, I usually say "Because they don't have a heart!"

[Russ]

I usually go with "gee, I thought the Holocaust was a bad thing."

[pat sommer]

When asked about being vegan I sometimes invoke family: "because my great-great-grandmother was vegan, Eve; she was also a nudist, mind if I take my clothes off?" for the holier-than-thou types, you know them!

[Korn]

Mr. Wonderful: Are you asking me because you deeply care about plants or because you want to make me wrong to justify eating your meat?

I wonder what people who equal killing of plants with other killing prefer: imprison everybody who has killed a plant, or release everybody with a murder sentence...

[Klutz]

Oooh, that's a good one, too, Korn!

[applecrumble]

said in another thread, when accused of an "extreme diet"

"yes, extremely healthy and extremely considerate of other sentient beings."

[Enchantress]

I've been told that I'm "missing out" a couple of times when people find out I don't eat meat (both times by Muse fans from Swindon, incidentally). I responded with "Not as much as that poor animal is missing out on life" the first time and "On heart disease and high cholesterol? Yes I am" the second time.

[Russ]

Swindon, hahahahahahahahahha. I'm not surprised. It's like redneck capital of England. I knew a couple of Muse fans from there, I wonder if it was the same people.

[Enchantress]

Hehe. Hm, probably not the same people, but it was a couple of long haired teenagers called Danny (not Daniel) and Haze (or David NOT Dave).

[Russ]

Hmmm, no, not same people. What is it with people from Swindon having long hair and liking crappy indie rock bands.

[Enchantress]

I have no idea, but I like crappy indie rock bands and have long hair, so I'm not really in any position to judge on this one .

[sugarmouse]

I've been told that I'm "missing out" a couple of times when people find out I don't eat meat (both times by Muse fans from Swindon, incidentally). I responded with "Not as much as that poor animal is missing out on life" the first time and "On heart disease and high cholesterol? Yes I am" the second time.

nice one enchantress
i know i am plagerising from someones siggy here..but i rememebr often saying
'if compassion is extreme,then quote me an extremist

[ph63228]

some of these comebacks are great, i usually just stare at them so long they get uncomfortable and then slowly shaking my head look away, it does unsettle my freinds but i have told so many people in my 17 years of life that it gets very boring.
keep em coming!!

Cheers
Bunny Hugger

[tsunami]

Even if plants also feel pain, at least you cause less suffering to many less lives if you dont eat animals. Otherwise omni's hurt way more plants and animals too. Since to eat meat, a lot of plants have to be killed to feed the animals, then the animals have to be killed. So they aren't really in any position to say they dont hurt plants much. =P

And nice comebacks!

[Antonia]

This is one I wish I'd known at the weekend when I got a grilling from a lady working at a psychic fair.
Lady: 'But you have to eat animals to get vitamin B12'
Me (what I'd wish I'd known in order to say then): 'As it's present in semen, and I swallow... I'm fine!'.

http://www.jackinworld.com/library/science/semcomp.html

[firejuggler]

A few witty some rude but it works:-

The Insult:-
Don't be stupid your supposed to eat meat it's normal for humans, you are built for it, we are top of the food chain.

The Witty Return:-
Is that your breath I can smell or are you cultavating a bit of rotting flesh between your teeth.

-----

The Insult:-
I bet you get fed up eating veg all the time don't you miss meat.

The Witty Return:-
It's a thankless job, but I've got a long healty life to look forward to and all the time in the world to enjoy eating them in various ways.

-----

The Insult:-
Ye but you look the type to be vegan.

The Witty Return:-
Hold it just their (look at the persons mouth) I'm visualizing duct tape over your mouth.

-----

The Insult:-

Any insult about your diet just say:-

The Witty Return:-
You are validating my inherent mistrust of meat eaters.

-----

A few others that can be used in various circumstances

*If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
*I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
*Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.

[Kiran]

I love those Jaydog!! Nice ones.

[RedWellies]

*Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.

That made me laugh! Wonder if I ever dare say that...not that anyone gives me grief about my choices.

[jackxattack]

I've been told that I'm "missing out" a couple of times when people find out I don't eat meat (both times by Muse fans from Swindon, incidentally). I responded with "Not as much as that poor animal is missing out on life" the first time and "On heart disease and high cholesterol? Yes I am" the second time.

My 21 year old sister always uses this argument (always says something like: "You only live once so you might as well not limit yourself to vegetables?") but I point out that animals only live once as well and besides, I *like* eating vegetables (actually, it's more that I like that I don't eat meat). Sorry, that's not witty but it's a good response.

When someone asks if you're vegan because you love animals just say "No, I'm vegan because I hate plants (kill them ALLL)."

[laurin]

Has anybody heard about a fruitarian? My friend told me that there's people who believe that fruit is alive just like animals so they will only eat food when it has fallen from the plant or tree.

[DancingWillow]

Has anybody heard about a fruitarian? My friend told me that there's people who believe that fruit is alive just like animals so they will only eat food when it has fallen from the plant or tree.

Yes, there is such a thing as a fruitarian. There's a thread discussing fruitarianism here:
http://veganforum.com/forums/showthr...ght=fruitarian

[laurin]

Thanks!

[SaveTheAnimals]

i usually slip them a copy of "meet your meat" that will shut them up.

[fiamma]

said in another thread, when accused of an "extreme diet"

"yes, extremely healthy and extremely considerate of other sentient beings."

Love it!!!

[Pilaf]

Lately, I've taken to being very silly and not at all serious about arguing. I often tell them I've vegan because the leprechauns tell me to be, or that it makes me gifted in the areas of lovemaking.

[veganja]

Anyone see the t-shirt that says this...

VEGANS MAKE GREAT LOVERS

Pity you aren't one!

[kristymae]

My Mother asked me about drinking milk... so I asked her if she would drink another woman's breast milk. Of course when she said no, I asked her why she would be willing to drink from a cow then.

Perhaps this isn't witty, but it still made her think about what she was actually doing.

[Sheila]

kristymae,

[SIZE=3]I always love the milk argument! [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Them: Why don’t you drink milk, it’s so good for you?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Me: (With the you are stupid look on my face and very flat, matter of fact tone) No it’s not. It’s filled with pus, hormones, fat and is completely unnatural to ingest. Why would anyone drink something that gross?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Them: Everybody drinks it.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Me: Would you drink the milk from a rat?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Them: (Stupid look on face and speechless)[/SIZE]

[Blueshark]

Lol thats funny. I love those remarks which show the ritual as the farce and absurdity that it really is

[Sheila]

Blueshark,
The ritual as the farce is wonderful. That reminds me of Thanksgiving. I do love that holiday and I really enjoy my Tofurky!

Last Thanksgiving everyone could not believe that I would not eat turkey. It's tradition, blah, blah, blah....

So I in my mature adult way would tell them that I refused to eat the mascot. Then asked them were they going to grill Santa for Xmas or roast the Easter Bunny? They didn't find humor in that.

Sheila

[Blueshark]

I got you now.

Also your signature cracks me up - not sure if it supposed to

[kristymae]

I honestly don't even bother most of the time when people question/challenge me about my eating habits. They don't really care anyway, so why should I explain myself.

[Blueshark]

Actually Kristymae they do care - just usually about themselves.

They will find it confusing if you are secure in your eating habits. Use this. Make them feel stupid by revealing the truth.

Rat milk etc.. is fantastic

[seviya]

They don't really care anyway, so why should I explain myself.

this is the truth - both disheartening and freeing

[madpogue]

I honestly don't even bother most of the time when people question/challenge me about my eating habits. They don't really care anyway, so why should I explain myself.

BINGO! In fact, the phrase "explain myself" shows how screwed-up the very dynamic of this kind of conversation is. We, as veg*ns, have nothing to "explain". It's about as meaningful (to me, anyway) as asking me to "explain" why I don't beat my wife.

Folks, in the end, it's the omnis who (to quote Ricky) "got some 'splainin' to dooooo!"

[Veganne]

"Idiot: So, then what DO you eat?!
Me: Anything that doesn't take a dump."

Nice.

Yeaaaaaa...I'm not too great at arguing. I just get loud and violent, haha. But this is what a typical argument looks like:

Non veg(an): Why don't you eat meat?
Me (perfectly calm): Because I don't like the way animals are treated.
Non veg(an): Well, just because you don't eat them, doesn't mean you're helping.
Me (getting a little argumentive): Yea it does. If I don't purchase meat, an animal doesn't have to be killed. If there are enough people, then the rate at which factory farmed animals are being slaughtered will significantly decrease.
Non veg(an): But not everyone is going to turn vegetarian.
Me (ready to freaking punch non veg(an)): Duh! Because there are people like you.

[emzy1985]

Anyone see the t-shirt that says this...

VEGANS MAKE GREAT LOVERS

Pity you aren't one!

I want this t-shirt and I want it NOW!

[VenomousX]

Here's a large list of various funny/snappy replies I've found on other forums:

Omni: "But humans evolved to eat meat."
Albert Einstein: "Nothing will benefit human health and increase chances of survival for life on earth as much as the evolution to a vegetarian diet."

Meater: Where do you get your protein?
Veggie: The same place the cows and chickens get it. I just cut out the middle man.

Q:Tofu is evil.
A:Praise seitan.

Q:I could never be veg*n.
A:I could never be a meat-eater.

HIM: But when you eat your (*roll eyes*) veggieburger, don't you also eat loads of innocent bacteria?
ME: I didn't eat them. They got in my way. *threatening look*

Omni: Do you know how many vegetables had to die for you
Me: Actually they're not dead I usually eat them raw and alive, just to hear their crys for mercy.

Me: *Accidentally steps on a spider*
Him: Stupid vegetarians killing bugs.
Me: Stupid "pro-lifers" eating dead animals.

Him: Man, this is a great burger.
Me: Don't worry man I like you still, that’s why when your in your 40s and can't get it up anymore I'll still come over to your house and make sure your wife is still satisfied.

"I always feel guilty for eating meat, but I couldn't stop...I don't have enough willpower."
I responded with:
"I wonder if child molesters feel the same way about child molesting?"

Omni: "I wouldn't survive on a vegetarian diet. it's too bland."
Veg: "In the stores now..... they're selling this really cool thing... I don't know if you've heard of this before or not, but it's called spices and herbs... stop me if this is too advanced for you...."

"I could NEVER give up cheese!"
"You're saying your life is too empty for anything to fill the void brought about by an absence of cheese? Dude that's just sad. Start collecting stamps or something."

Omni: "I could never be a vegetarian!"
Me: "True, you aren't cool enough."

Omni: "I have to have my meat, I could never give it up!"
Me: "I hope your wife doesn't feel that way" (subtle impotence comment)

Omni: "Veggie food is boring!"
Me: "You must be right. After all, you ARE the expert on boring."

"Being vegan isn't going to help all the animals"
"Being a nimrod isn't going to help you at all."

Omni: So what do you eat?
Me: The other 6,000 foods.

(If I'm feeling particularly snarky, I might fall back on "Plants.")

~~~~~~

Omni: God meant for us to eat meat.
Me: Guess I didn't get the memo.

This is a good stock response to nearly any bit of misinformation or annoyance, like so:

Omni: But meat tastes so good!
Me: Oh? Guess my taste buds didn't get the memo.

Omni: But meat is good for you!
Me: Oh? Guess my colon didn't get the memo.


Omni: God meant for us to eat meat.
Me: God didn't mean for us to build factory farms and high-speed slaughterhouses. Those can only be the work of the Devil.

(not that witty, but to the point.. and it sidesteps a long, tedious argument about the bible)

~~~~~~~~

Omni: If you ever met a pig/cow/chicken, you'd eat it.
(Or some variation suggesting that livestock animals aren't cute/friendly/attractive enough to have rights)

Me: If it's a popularity contest, I know a few humans who've got a date with the meat grinder.
(Whether you suggest with your tone & expression that the person you're talking to is one of them is up to you!)

~~~~~~~~

Omni: You won't get enough protein.
Me: Thanks, I'll be sure to remind the nuts and legumes I eat that they're low in protein. They forget sometimes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meater: Why don't you eat meat?
Me: You want me to list 'em alphabeticallly, chronologically, or topographically?

OR: Do you really want to hear the answer, or are you just saying that to be obtuse?

OR: Why don't you eat sewage? (or is that a repeat?)


Meat Eater: I just ate a ribeye.

ARA: My condolences to the animal’s family and to your bowels.

---
Animals were put on this earth for the use of humans. Whether that be eating them, or keeping them as pets

God put arsenic here for our use too. Try eating that.

---
I didn't eat my way to the top of the food chain so I could eat like a rabbit. If I'm on top of the food chain. I'm gonna make damn good use of it.

I am meat do you wanna eat me?

---
meat is not unhealthy a lil bit is good for you...you can live with out it...but why bother they are gunna kill the animals n e way so might as well not let them die for nothing

Damn the USDA for promoting healthy lifestyle -what were they thinking- oh yeah, that they were educated unlike you, you sniveling cousin marrying hick.

---
it's not unhealthy. you need alil meat in you.
When you eat veggies, that vegetable used to be alive, and you killed it just to eat it. (written by a meatie)

Same as last one.

---
why would you want to save animals. what are the animals gonna do?

What have you done? Oh no better yet what good are deformed babies lets eat them to, by that reasoning you would! You child murdering bastard!

---
So what?
Animals are here for us, we can do what we want with them

I know you. Your parents are brother and sister.

---
“The videos are full of filthy lies that serve the people who create them. Imagine that(speaking about "meet your meat")”
-And-
“I watched Meet your Meat once.
It made me laugh.
It was full of such idiocy”

Then post a link to what really happens if you can produce such a thing I doubt you can but please try.

---
“i dont care how they get killed. im just gonna eat em.”

That is not the only reason to be veg. If you are not concerned about the animals it kills-- what about the human children a meat based diet kills from heart disease or high cholesterol, or are you a child killer too.

[Ali]

I can't remember the thread its on, but to those who claim that plants feel pain, I told someone to say "Let's make a deal. If you promise to watch a video of what goes on in a slaughterhouse, I'll watch a video of a strawberry harvest." I remember a few folks liking that one.

I was recently told that all i needed was "a good bloody steak"

my retort was to say that if they could watch all the videos on petatv.com then they could tell me what to eat

I havent heard another quip since

Ali x

[Russ]

my 'witty vegan comeback'

"Go to hell"

[Russ]

Also i strongly feel that insulting omnis / vegetarians is seriously going to damage the movement and the chances of them ever becoming vegan

[VenomousX]

Also i strongly feel that insulting omnis / vegetarians is seriously going to damage the movement and the chances of them ever becoming vegan

Agreed, but read the first post again.